Why do I always want more?
As I sat seeking the Lord this morning…my heart was strangely at peace but also weirdly unsteady. I was speaking to my mind and reminding it that God is always constant, good and faithful. (this is something I do often).
When I reflect on my life I realise and see all God has done for me and I find my heart longing for more. As I had this longing within my heart for more, I stopped and wondered, “what do I want more of?” I’ve tasted and seen that God is SO SO good, so ultimately I thought- I want more God. But that thought felt unsatisfying and didn’t settle very nicely within my spirit.
I took a good look at my heart as I tried to figure out why I felt the way I felt and realised I’m always wanting more. I want more out of myself. I want to love more. I want to be more patient and compassionate. I want God to use me more. I want to be more joyful all the time. I want to experience more. I want God to be more of my focus. I want to be more present. More, More, More. As you can see there were a lot of mores in those past sentences. Almost too many mores where the word was repeated so many times it starts to sound weird and lose all meaning.
I have this vision of who I want to be and how I want to live. (I think we all kind of have our own little vision like that.) The struggle I find myself in is getting from where I am, to that future place of where I want to be. It’s a constant battle a constant motion of striving. It can honestly be exhausting and disappointing as I fail more than I succeed. Failing is probably my worst fear. I don’t ever want to fail…I don’t think anyone does. So as I pursue the me I want to be and fail, it takes a strike to both my heart and mind. It puts me in a really low place. A place where I know God would never want me to be.
Why am I striving to be a different me?
As God has been taking me on a journey of traveling and meeting different people, I’m realising my heart is good. My intentions are good and I care for people. I love people. (I can be extremely hard on myself and tend to forget the good within me.) I realised I haven’t been resting or believing in the full woman God created me to be and I haven’t been walking it out in full confidence. I’ve disregarded a lot of what God has done for me – shaping my character because I am too busy looking for more and looking for what’s next.
I am beginning to see why my wanting for “more God” felt tainted. It felt tainted… well, because it was tainted – it was not fully pure. I think its easy to say we want more God but really we are wanting a piece of our heart to look shinier and to gain more acceptance from other people, more control and authority over our lives.
I have realised I am constantly striving for all the wrong reasons. I am striving to be better for other people and to be more self satisfied. As I look back on my “mores” I see a lot of “I’s” before them. I want more out of myself. I want to love more. I want to be more patient and compassionate. I want God to use me more. I want to be more joyful all the time. I want to experience more. I want God to be more of my focus. I want to be more present. I am constantly wanting more and expecting more out of myself, so I can be better…but better for whom?
God hasn’t called me to a life of tiresome striving. He has never told me to be perfect or to measure up to another human. That is something this world tells us and we believe it. God has told me to love- to love Him and to love others. He has told me to remain humble and to be still. He has told me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He has told me to stay rooted in truth, which means clinging to The Bible and its truth.
I am discovering that feeling satisfied really has nothing to do with me, my “I’s” and my “mores.” Satisfaction cannot come only from self. It cannot come from the acceptance of the world or being the best.
To be satisfied doesn’t require more striving from me. Jesus said he would satisfy the longing soul, the hungry soul he fills with good things.My soul is longing for something more than this world can offer and my soul hungers for more God. I can be still in that and can rest easy in that.To be satisfied is to be content in God and hopeful in Him. To be satisfied is to be selfless and willing. To be satisfied is to disregard the world and the thought that we need to be more. It is to be still and know that God is enough and I am enough in God.
So what now?
Now, I’m looking forward. I’m focusing on what is enough, and not what I want more of. I am focusing on God’s never ending pursuit of my heart, and His relentless love for me. I am focused on what’s good, and what is true.
The desire isn’t about me anymore. It’s about wanting more of Him, for Him. It’s not that my day to day has changed that much, but more so my perspective on what use to seem mundane and lacking.
Today, I rest easy knowing I don’t have to strive, push, or even long for “more”. I just have to be still, and know He is God and He is good.
Sometimes finding rest, is about choosing to rest.
Paige Vivian, from Grand Rapids, MI, completed her Discipleship Training School with us in 2013. After 3 years traveling abroad she joined us again aboard our Medical Ship in Papua New Guinea serving as a Dental Nurse, and Clinic Leader. Paige is a natural writer, with an eye for beauty in the everyday moments of life. She loves real and raw moments of people discovering themselves, and can strike up a conversation with just about anyone.